What Chuck Doesn't Post...

Hi again, I'm back to post guest-style for Chuck, who as you know is currently holed up in a trailer on the border of Mexico with a hypnotist to once again overcome his addiction to auto-fellatio. The poor guy; I just don't know how much more his back can take from this type of abuse. Not to mention that the dogs in Chuck's neighborhood have nothing to feel superior to man about.

While Chuck is gone, and has given a few of us access to the posting capabilities of his blog, I have been looking through his extensive archive of unpublished posts and I thought I'd share some of them with you. Some of this stuff Chuck probably never thought would see the light of day, but you know... How can I resist?

Back in June of this year Chuck had an abortive post that I thought really deserved to see the light of day. The post was written on June 13th of 2004 and dealt with the birthday of everyone's favorite child star twins. Now, I'm not going to share the entire post, because some of it is pretty dirty ('Personally, I think that Ashley Olsen would be more likely to have a group sex with me and the Nelson Twins than Mary Kate, but that is fine. As long as one of them would let me and those hot Nelson boys, with their long locks of platinum blonde hair and cute asses, have our way with them.') and would not serve to benefit Chuck's already sketchy blog personality. Even with his fantasies about those Nelson boys, Chuck really shows his sweeter side with the following excerpt:

I have been having dreams about Mary Kate as a midget again. I know she is short, but imagine how hot she would be if she was about three foot six. I would love have her ride a Shetland pony (or my Golden Retriever) around the bedroom of some swank hotel while wearing nothing but that little studded leather collar that I bought for her. Oh man, I'm going to have to get my dishrag.

Then there was the post from September of this year that Chuck titled "The N'Sync Member's Testicles I'd Most like to Wax." Now personally, having met Chuck back in the days of the whack-off Anonymous club, I always assumed that he'd be into Joey Fatone Jr. After reading the post I was a little shocked to read that, as Chuck wrote;

There is something about Lance Bass's eyes that just make me question is I should not have given into my urges as a youth and dated men. His eyes... His lips... The way he thrusts his hips while dancing… My goodness, I just imagine myself being the recipient of those thrusts and it makes me... Sue, have you seen my dishrag?

Not all of Chuck's posts are about sexual proclivities with the rich and famous. Sometimes Chuck's fancy lands on the most ordinary of targets; take for example this draft post from three weeks ago where Chuck explores some of his stranger physical attractions.

The other day I was waiting in line at the local McDonalds when I saw this lady wiggle herself out of the front seat of her Dodge Neon. She was fairly petite from the waist up with a nice rack and a not too un-cute face; but my god, everything from the waist down was enormous. Her huge butt, which stuck out so far that you could put an entire Christmas nativity scene on it and not even get close to the small of her back, and massive thighs and cankles that runneth over her keds really got my attention with a immediate 'sproing!'

It was like she was part of a mix and match book and someone had taken the skinny lady's top and the fat lady's bottom and stuck them together. I've never felt a lust like I did to see this woman disrobe. I wanted to watch how she pulled those lime green warm up bottoms off and over her back side, and to find out just how she managed to lay down comfortably with such proportions. By the time I got to the speaker window I was considering getting a second order of fries for Sue, but then I wondered if I would be able to share a bed with someone of such bulk. I ended up not getting the extra fries, and thankfully I had my dishrag in the car so the thoughts of lust were out of my head before I returned to my beautiful, and normally proportioned wife.

The final draft post that I caught in Chuck's blog was this one from November 3rd where he writes a dark secret that I just had to share with you all:

I couldn't do it. I couldn't vote for George W. Bush. Yesterday while at the polling place I tried hard to keep believing that Bush was appointed by God, but no longer would my conscience let me. I know he is a bad President and I know he is a liar. Damn that Fox News for telling me otherwise. I really think I might have voted for him except that I really don't like bush.

If I'm going to be spending a lot of my tome between the legs of a woman, I want that area to be trimmed at the least, and hairless is preferred. Voting for Bush is voting for hair in my nose and down my throat. I couldn't do it, so I didn't. Instead I wrote in the name of Haywood Jablome. I need to wrap things up now as my dishrag is done in the dryer and there's nothing quite like a warm dishrag.

So, that's what Chuck hasn't been sharing. Really, I don't know why he would hide these things from us in blog land.

Your guest blogger, and compulsive liar,
The Good Husband