Do you ever have those days....

Where you feel like the world is against you? Ever get the feeling like you are the last thing your spouse wants to look at, talk to, or have anything to do with? Well, this evening has been one of those days for me. If someone were to stick a gun to my head and demand that I answer truthfully (or face death) whether I honestly believe my wife truly loves me.....I wouldn't be sure how to answer. I would want to say, "yes". Surely, as she often points out, she wouldn't have married me and taken on the terrible burden that is me and my kids if she didn't love me. But then again I would also want to say, "no", because someone who really says they love someone wouldn't treat that person in such a shitty way as I am being treated, then chastised when I complain about this treatment. God, how it sucks.

Let me give you some back ground that came to a head today. About three months ago I received in the mail an invitation to subscribe to Playboy magazine for $12 for a year. Wow, that was quite a deal and my wife encouraged me to subscribe. I did and when the first issue arrived, and once I was able to take it away from her, I found that I had been given an invitation for a free one month membership to the Playboy website. I figured what the hell and joined up. I had to give a credit card in order to join, but was assured that if I cancelled before the trial membership was up I wouldn't be charged the monthly fee of $29.94. Well after about 20 minutes looking over the site I found that it was pretty softcore. Not much to see but some boobies. Boobs are great and all, hell I couldn't live without them, but sometimes you want to see a little more. Especially when there are sites like this (NOT WORK FRIENDLY) out there. So, I never went back to the site since that first time. But I remembered that I needed to cancel. Every time I sat down on the toilet in our bathroom and picked up the November issue of Playboy I thought to myself, "Remember you have to cancel that membership before you get billed." Well, back on Monday I did just that. I cancelled and received the confirmation email. Well guess what? I guess I didn't read it too well. It was a 21 day trial membership and not 30 days. My debit card was billed the $29.94 fee and my wife jumped my ass big time for it. All day today I have been walking on eggshells because I forgot to cancel in time and I cost the family $30 for "porn". Yeah, well I got news for you....I have seen my share of porn and this is not it! There is just so many times I can apologize for my "life ending mistake". Again, let me say it for ALL to read, I AM SO SORRY! Maybe I should go out and blow some homeless guys, surely if I blow enough of them I can make up the $30 in the dimes they would pay me with. Okay, now I am sickened even more. Bad mental image.........okay, over it now....

I just don't understand why I have to be constantly treated like a piece of shit just because I am guilty of having two kids and an ex wife. Uh, hello....you kinda knew this coming into this marriage. Also, I am tired of hearing the fucking fallacy of how you can't ever have anything for yourself because your money has to go to buy food for my kids. Or how you can't have a baby of your own because you will be stuck having to pay for braces and cars and college for my children. Hey, you even love me for who I am (and by the way I am the same guy you wanted to marry) or you get the hell out. Cut your loses and get on with your life, since it was so wonderful before you were cursed by meeting me.

I really can't understand why I have to be treated like this most everyday. I hardly ever complain anymore. When I do I am accused of being too "sensitive" or "dramatic". Well guess what babe, this is fucking life. Those who aren't sensitive or dramatic about saving their marriage end up divorced. Is that what you want? Many of the times I hear the words "I love you" spoken it is just because I have verbally reacted to some negative thing you have said. Seems like the only time you ever want to say it is when you feel guilty for treating me like the thing you flushed earlier this morning. I am tired of that. I deserve more. I would love to be able to say "I love you" and not worry that tomorrow you are going to take me as being weak for having said it and jump me in some degrading way.

Well, guess the Fuck what? I DO love you. Even after all we have been through, and even after being made to feel like the biggest dung heap by you, I still love you. I want things to be good with us. Damn I hope they can....someday. I am tired of the veiled threat that I am constantly faced with. This threat of, "if things don't improve I can leave - anytime", is getting old. Either you decide to love me and treat me as I deserve to be treated and accept my love for you, or you leave.

*ball is served into your court by Chuck*